FINALLY LETTING GO

Whew…

I’m not sure where to even start.   Do I back up and tell you about the 20 years of friendship or begin where it fell apart?  I guess to understand where I’m coming from, you have to know the story.  I’m sorry, I’ll warn you now: THIS WILL ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, CERTAINLY be long.  As in really long with a lot of rambling, so if you’re not interested in settling down with a cup of tea or coffee for the long haul, I suggest you pop on over to another blog.

When I was in seventh grade, all the cool kids played sports and like most kids, I wanted to be cool, so I tried out for the volleyball team.  Somehow, although, I had never picked up a volleyball before then, I made not only the team, I made the highly distinguished, “A” team.   It was in volleyball that I met a girl named Casie.  I can’t say Casie and I hit it off immediately.  We weren’t all that much alike.  She was shy and kind of backwards.  She played sports, but always made the B-team.  That never seemed to matter to Casie, though,  because sports weren’t really her thing.  Casie’s real passion was band.  I’ll be honest, I never understood her obsession with it, I don’t play any instruments and I can’t carry a tune to save my life. Nonetheless, our differences didn’t stop us from striking up a friendship.  By eighth grade we were inseparable.  I mean, you never saw one without the other.  We took turns staying at each other’s house on weekends and every day after school she would come to my house to hang out. We told each other everything and our parents quickly became adopted parents to the other.  Highschool didn’t change things.  Neither did the fact that I continued playing sports while Casie continued with band.  Nothing kept us apart and while other friends came and went, she and I stood strong.  She was the glue to my paper.  The zing to my zap.  My person.  My best friend.

I know you’re thinking, I see where this is going.  We grew up, graduated and drifted apart like so many others do, but that’s not true.  In fact, we remained tight through college and became even closer when it came time to start having real adult relationships.  We met her future husband a few months after highschool graduation.  Coincidently, he introduced me to my husband, whom he had gone to basic training in the army with.  It seemed like a perfect match, two best friends, dating and eventually marrying two guys, both of whom were from Kentucky and in the army together.  Life was indeed good.  Even after I moved to Kentucky, Casie and I talked every day.  And, when we weren’t talking, we were texting or emailing or planning on when or how we could see each other.  It was one of those friendships we never questioned and one I thought would always last.

So what happened?  I’d love to say there was a definitive moment, in reality, I guess there kind of was, but I’ll get to that in a minute.  Honestly, it ended up being just what happens to some friendships.  After sharing everything, after being there for every important event in each other’s lives from marriage to children, we slowly began drifting apart.  It started with little things mostly.  I found it offensive that she thought I should sanitize my hands to hold her baby and she thought it was repulsive that I allowed my children to play with toy guns.  We won’t even get into how she felt about my husbands hunting or how I was happy to live next door to my in-laws while she would rather hers went away and never come back.  She was a stay at home mom, while I juggled forty hours at an office.  The truth is, our lives changed, our circumstances changed and with that, so did our friendship.

Fast forward to 2011.  At this point, Casie and I have been friends for twenty-two years.  I’ll say it again, twenty-two years.  Damn, that’s a long time. Do you know how many friendships last that long?  Not many.  Unfortunately, 2011 would not be good for me.  I’ve talked briefly about it in an earlier post, but 2011 year was one of the hardest years I’ve ever had to endure.  Within a six month span, I learned my sister had ALS, I lost two Aunts and both my grandparents died within two weeks of each other.  It seemed like every time I turned around someone I loved was sick or dying.  To say I wasn’t at my best is an understatement.  I was pretty low.  Lower than low if you want to get real.  I couldn’t sleep and I cried all the time.  It didn’t help that we had to downsize at work, which caused me a great deal of concern or that my husband also had some health issues going on.  I was about as stressed as one person can get.  Trying to figure out how to handle my sister’s illness on my own was tough enough, but I also had to put on a brave face for my mom and my kids and help them, too.  So, I leaned on Casie.  A lot.  Too much apparently because I woke up one day to find she had blocked me and my family from Facebook.  Yep.  Poof.  One day she was there, the next I went to look more closely at some pictures of her kids she’d posted the day before and she was gone.  No warning, no explanation, just gone.  You can imagine how that made me feel.  I’m not sure that a knife through the heart is a proper description for the pain because it felt more like someone had ripped out my insides and shattered my soul.

To be fair, I should say I wasn’t that great of a friend.  Casie was having marital issues that I didn’t pay enough attention to, and instead of trying to focus on the good things in life, I cried incessantly and became moody every time she and I talked.  Yeah, I know, I had reason’s to be that way.  And trust me, I’m not excusing what she did by any means, I just know being my friend during that time couldn’t have been easy.  On the same token, being her friend during that time wasn’t easy, either.   Like I said, we had both changed.  We saw faults and judgments within the other we didn’t like, which made us unsympathetic.

I guess you’re wondering what happened or what I did.  Well, of course, I shot off an ugly email telling her exactly what I thought.  Then I called and left an ugly message because you know that’s what you do when you just got pissed on.  I never did get the courtesy of a return call, but I did get an email that wasn’t any nicer than mine.  Her exact words were “You’re life sucks and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore.”  Harsh a little?  Yeah, maybe just a tad.  But it hurt even more when she said she didn’t want to be friends mostly because she didn’t want to be around when my sister died because she doesn’t handle other people’s emotions well.  Trust me, any vulgarities floating through your mind have already come out of my mouth so feel free to say them.  Like I said, at this point, we’d grown apart, apparently more than we thought.

Friendships that last that long are much like a marriage.  Our lives were so tightly intertwined and woven together that every aspect crossed over.  And like many marriages that go south, our parting didn’t go well.  How did I handle it?  Well, I did what every mature adult would do.  I wiped her free from my life.  Her email was blocked, her phone number, all of her relatives, I even went so far as to defriend every friend or acqaintance we had from highschool because I wanted to ensure our paths never crossed in any way.  I removed my maiden name and highschool info from my profile so no one could find me, and then removed all her pictures and unfollowed her on every social media account I had at the time.  When I got home, I gathered everything she had given to me, piled it up in a bonfire and then lit that baby and watched it burn.  Childish?  Yes. Very.  I’ll happily admit it.  All I can say is I’m an all in or all out kind of girl and I did what I felt I had to do to get by.

That’s my ugly little secret.   Once upon a time I had a best friend and then I didn’t and I didn’t handle it so well.

So why is this on my mind today?  Well, two reason’s really, one, a few months ago, a close friend of my sisters growing up, friended me on Facebook. She posted today that it was the anniversary of her sister’s death.  Her sister, Amanda, was a year younger than me.  She died in a car accident when I was in 8th grade.  So my middle school years have bore heavily on my mind today.  And then out of the blue, I got a friend request from a guy I went to highschool with.  It surprised me, because like I said, I have sort of hidden myself away. But do you know what surprised me even more?  I didn’t hesitate to accept his request.  In fact, I got a little excited to see a little piece of that time of my life again.  So I I’m officially back on the grid and it feels pretty darn good.

I guess this means I have finally let go and made peace.  All I got to say, it’s about damn time!

As for Casie, although, they haven’t talked in years, my husband is still friends with her (ex)husband on Facebook.  Yes, apparently they got divorced. I supposed she’s doing okay, maybe?  I don’t know.  I  could ask her mother, who I occasionally have contact with, but I would rather not open that door.  Do I want to make amends with her?  No.  She hurt me.  Badly.  Our friendship might have been on the downward spiral, but the ending could have been handled differently.  For now, it is what it is  … and I’m finally okay with that.

So, to Casie … hope life is treating you well.

ps. I know you follow me on Twitter and that’s okay, too 🙂

 

Okay, so I kept a few pictures.

 

 

 

Comments ( 2 )

  1. Replywccunningham

    Tough one. Its amazing how similar we are. Beyond Whataburger and writing. :)

    • Replydenarogers

      Yeah, this wasn't an easy one to put out there, but it was time.

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